Love, Life and Lessons

And they call it magic.

It’s been a while. I completely apologize to the non readers of this blog. I’m going to be posting every day from now on because I’ve got so much to say and I can’t just put it all in just one blog post.

I enjoy writing my feelings down. Especially since I can come back and look at them weeks, months after. It makes me see a change in me, one that I like.

Let’s begin with me chopping my hair off. It was a much needed change. I absolutely love it! It was great for me, especially after having super long hair for almost three years. I’ve always been scared to dye it and cut it short since of my alopecia. I always kind of let it hinder me from doing crazy things with my hair that I see girls my age doing. Not anymore. I’ve gotten so many compliments on it, saying how older I look and how well it suits me. It makes me feel powerful knowing that people are starting to see me as an adult. It was a magical feeling. I don’t think I’m going back to long hair in a looooong time.

Also, I finally got a promotion! Took three years of me busting my ass, but I finally did it. I’m officially gloating to everyone I know because I wasn’t expecting to get it. Everyone kept saying it was going to someone else, but… yeah. I’m beyond happy. $$$$$$ seeing way more of those.

Last, I’m happy. I run into my ex all the time and I don’t feel anything. I talked to him, like an actual conversation about us, and he was super nervous, but I stood my ground. I was like I’m not saying it would never happen again, just not right now. Move on. He’s been so distraught over this, and I just now started realizing that, so I think it’s helping him knowing that I told him to let go.

We can’t hold onto the past for too long. We just have to accept it and move on from it. If we delve too much into the past, we got lost. We can’t find our way out to the future.

And that saddens me. We’re so alive right now.

Be alive for the future.

posted 4 months ago

I just want to be happy.

Happiness is a vital human emotion. We all feel it, whether it be on our first date, our wedding day, or whenever. Happiness is like the glow from the sun. When you feel it and show that megawatt smile to the world, everyone can share in with your happiness.

So, why can’t I seem to find it?

It’s been constant frowns with the ups and downs. And I realized why. I wasn’t happy. I was only pretending to be. And that makes me the saddest I’ve ever been.

I made myself become this girl who I couldn’t recognize in the mirror. I thought I needed to be this person because I could find someone out there who would love to be with her. Who would eventually want to settle down with, but skip out on wanting a family. I changed who I was on the outside while pushing back the real me. I was so afraid of not being loved, that it got to the point where I didn’t even love myself. I hated who I was. And it took so much clarity to realize that.

I don’t need a guy to rely on. I’ve been independent from the time I was born. I tried to tell him that, but just ended up molding myself into that girl he thought was a damsel in distress. And I’m not weak. I’m far from it. After everything I’ve been through, I deserve to be called a strong woman.

So why did I settle? Especially when I haven’t even lived the life I’ve wanted. It baffles me that I became this unhappy person who lost her way, because I was alway so sure of myself and decisions. But I lost that. I lost sight of everything.

But not anymore. I am beyond ready to get out of this small ass town and see what the world has to offer me. To do the job that I’ve dreamed about doing, and becoming so successful. And then… Finding him. I don’t know who he may be, but I know he’s out there. When the time is right, he’ll be on my doorstep with (hopefully) a huge ass rock.

Call me vain for it. But that’s how I see my life going.

I’m not rushing things, though. I’ll wait my turn. Besides, this girl has many places to see, experience.

I’ve only just begun.

posted 5 months ago

Turn and face the stranger

Change.

Scary word, isn’t it? It could mean a possibility of things. It’s up to is to narrow it down so we can decide what exactly should be different or new.

With the new year, must of is want change. Change our weight, hair, relationship status, etc.. But what if we wanted to not change our outside appearance, but our inside? What if we wanted to become better people just by accepting our faults and strive off of them. Why not?

Because we fear being disliked. We fear not being accepted in this huge planet we call home, in our small towns or big cities where we may never know what the others think about us, and yet we still care. Because that’s what society has programmed us to do. We’ve been taught to accept others, but do we really? Because I know I’m guilty of thinking someone shouldn’t have worn that shirt or are extremely nerdy.

I have faults, just as much as they do. And I know that people are judging me every day. But I don’t care. I am who I am because that’s who I want to be. Yes, being Jennifer Lawrence would be nice because she’s flawless and could do no wrong. But… Sadly I am not. I am me.

So, change? No. I won’t change me. I’ll change my outlook on life.

posted 7 months ago

Hello, once again.

I’m terrible at blogging. I know.

Every so often I would come here, thinking I had something to blog about, but then it would vanish right when I opened up a new text post. So I would just let it be. Save it for another day.

And that day has come.

It’s October. Last few months left of the dying year. Last six weeks of the semester. Last warm days, slowly dwindling into cold, cloudy autumn days, where wearing lots of layers is totally acceptable and stylish. Where staying in is okay, especially when there’s hot chocolate and cuddling.

Halloween is just around the corner, and I plan on wearing an era costume. 1920’s. Yeah, thanks The Great Gatsby. Now I totally wish I lived in that movie, because dammit Leo is so damn cute.

And, in the small town I live in, October means Mardi Gras.

It’s nothing extravagant, like New Orleans. But it’s the life of this town. It’s what makes living in a small town exciting. There’s overpriced food from vendors, cheap craft fair that you can spend hours walking around and get lost in the sights, a parade that features glitzy floats, and more hot chocolate! It’s only two days long, but it draws so much fun and people to my home.

But it won’t bring back my football player. He’ll be away for a game, missing this event for the second year now. He’ll get home right when the parade gets over, and I’ll be ready for bed after a long day at work.

But I can’t complain. Because, through all the roadtrips, worry about what the other is doing, only seeing each other one day out of seven, the frustration, anger, love… we’ve grown.

A year together in December. A year growing, learning, talking, loving, fighting, kissing, hugging, laughing, crying, cuddling, texting, you name it. It’s been worth it all.

I couldn’t be happier (sappier).

Until next time.


You’re gonna hear me roar

I feel good. 

Wanna know why?

Because I’m challenged every day of my life. Each day is a new lesson to be taught, learned. A new mistake to take in stride. A new way to fall in love. It’s always something different.

And I love it.

I love every moment of this crazy, stressful, hilarious, clumsy life I live.

And I want to show the world.

Hello, world. Hear my roar.

'Cause I am a champion.

Until next time.


Distance

It’s that time of the year again where everyone is leaving to go off to college. Packing up their things in little brown boxes, saying their final good-byes until the winter or summer, and fulfilling their last wishes of summer. It’s a hard adjustment to make, especially if the summer meant falling in love with someone.

It’s going to be a lot of heartache because you miss them every night when you lie down to sleep, feeling cold and alone because you’re so used to having an arm wrapped around your body. During the day you’ll think or see something that reminds you of them and long to have them by your side so they can laugh, smile, cry with you about it. You fear that a fight might break out because it’s been three days since you last communicated in some form.

It’s going to be harder and harder with each passing day because you can’t help but miss them, even when they’re home on the weekends. Because you know it’s different. How? There’s more tension, more fearing that the other is doing something you know they shouldn’t. There’s less control, less smiles.

More worry that the same old ways aren’t enough.

Distance is the one thing that can make or break a relationship. And, even if you’ve done it before, there’s no way to know that things will be the same.

Unless you work at it, and put in as much effort as you had before.

Until next time.

posted 1 year ago

I just wanna take care… take care of you…

We all have that person that we desperately want in our lives. That one person that we would do anything for. That one person who gives you chills whenever they speak to you. Why? Because we care. Because we just want to be there for with them, every day. Because we just want to make everything all right for them.

We know that we might not mean as much to them as they mean to us, but we don’t care. We’d rather die than see them unhappy. We just want them to want us because we want them just as bad.

Now, imagine having those type of feelings for someone, and then they take something you’ve held onto for a long time. It… complicates things even when it shouldn’t.

Losing your virginity is a scary thing for everyone. Make sure it’s with someone you care for deeply.

Take care of them. And, always, yourself.

Until next time.

posted 1 year ago

Take the walls down

We all build walls around ourselves. And if you say that you don’t, then you’re a liar.

We have many reasons to build walls around ourselves. We’ve been hurt, so we don’t want to again, build a wall. We loved, and lost it, so we build a wall to have that never happen again. The list goes on and on. But, with each new occurrence of tearing down the wall because we’ve become comfortable with someone, we have to just build it right back up, stronger and thicker than it was before, because they’ve gone and done the unthinkable.

So, what if we were all stripped of our walls? Left bare and cold, out in the open for all the eyes to see. All of our shameful secrets and guilty pleasures let out of the little box we’ve locked them in. And no one could judge us for them. No one gave an actual fuck that in a past life you were this person. And all those secrets and shameful regrets were just gone… poof. Out of existence so we could all start fresh. We wouldn’t have these walls that we hide behind when we first meet someone. We’ll no longer feel guarded, fake, around them because we’re scared of what they might think when the past slips out.

What if they hurt me like he did? What if they know about the baby I lost? What would they say?

A million thoughts like those run through our heads on initial first meetings. Because of the walls.

Here’s a excerpt from a book I just finished, an ending that I never expected:

Take down the walls.

That is, after all, the whole point. You do not know what will happen if you take down the walls; you cannot see through to the other side, don’t know whether it will bring freedom or ruin, resolution or chaos. It might be paradise, or destruction.

Take down the walls.

Otherwise you must live closely, in fear, building barricades against the unknown, saying prayers against the darkness, speaking verse of terror and tightness.

Otherwise you may never know hell, but you will not find heaven, either. You will not know fresh air and flying.

All of you, wherever you are: in your spiny cities or your one-bump towns. Find it, the hard stuff, the links of metal and chink, the fragments of stone filling your stomach. And pull, and pull, and pull.

I will make a pact with you: I will do it if you will do it, always and forever.

Take down the walls.

Requiem - Lauren Oliver


Take down the walls.

Until next time.

posted 1 year ago

Time.

Everything has it’s own set of a timeline. Whether it be your life, your relationship, your car, etc.

My timeline for my relationship was over… or so I thought.

These last couple of days have been a crazy whirlwind of crazy ups and downs and confusion that I think is for the best.

We talked things out. Granted, we may have had a few drinks before we got to the talking part, but, you know what they say, sober thoughts always come out when you’re drunk. And, at first, I was really confused on where we stood with each other because I thought we were only going to be ‘just friends.’ Then, things changed. He mentioned a conversation with his roommate that took place the night before, said that I was the main topic of said conversation. I thought they had just talked about what happened between us and not that there was left over feelings.

But it was all on me for what happened after that.

You see, one of my friends asked if I still loved him.

Feelings like that don’t fade away over night. Especially for someone who never thought love could find them.

He spilled the beans to you know who and I guess that sparked something in him. He told me that he never actually believed that I loved him because he knew my past and how I got screwed over and over again on multiple occasions.

I told myself I didn’t want to fall in love because it seemed like nobody was falling in love at the time. I grew up with parents that love each other unconditionally, but I couldn’t seem to find that for myself. And when we broke up I thought that my streak had continued, and that I should just focus on my school and career path so I could be who I want to be without having someone standing right beside me.

I am an independent woman. I don’t need a relationship. I was raised to take care of myself, especially in the situation I’m in.

But making time for one is the sweetest thing.

Until next time.

posted 1 year ago

Take Care of Yourself, Ladies.

This is to all those girls out there (if you are there) reading this right now.

Go treat yourself to something nice. Go have your nails done, buy a new outfit, buy a new pair of shoes (or twenty), just do something that you know will make you feel good. Why? Because of that fact. You’ll feel amazing after it.

Just pampering yourself every now and then gets you feeling like normal. After going through this breakup, I haven’t been wanting to do anything for myself lately because I just feel ugly, broken, tired, etc.. But, today, I did do something for myself and only myself. I went and got my nails done. Nothing out of the ordinary for me since I love having painted nails, but this time was different.

I now have red nails.

I never put red on my nails.

And, damn, do I feel sexy.

You see? It’s the little things in life the can make a girl’s day. Boys, take some notes here.

It doesn’t have to come from a guy. Sure, it’s a nice gesture, but, ladies, we’re capable of taking care of ourselves, too. We don’t need men. Yes, the companionship is wonderful but won’t always be there for you.

So, cheer up, sweetheart. And go buy some red lipstick, paint your nails red, wear red. And you’ll feel the sexiest you’ve ever felt in your life.

Hello, new world. Hear my woman.

Until next time.

posted 1 year ago